I have to say, it's beyond ludicrous how people are so affronted by mental illness.
She's dealt with acute Schizophrenia since even before I was born. My younger sister has taken the position of "God helps those who help themselves", that mama "can help it but won't." and continues to treat her with such neglect and disdain... I'm completely infuriated and baffled by it all. But even more than that, it's my sister's attitude and behavior toward mama that quite frankly pisses me off!
I think even I haven't truly appreciated all mama has done for us and what she's had to endure throughout her life because of this illness. Mental illness is simply nothing more than a chemical imbalance of the body, but rather than say, affecting the blood sugar like diabetes or emotion like hormones, it affects the brain. I think birthing a child of my own has taught me a thing or 2 about how much Mama suffered, being abandoned by her husband, having her children ripped from her by the State and her declared unfit not to mention her self awareness that she was 'losing it'.
Truth be told, mama is wicked smart...I'm talking genius-level smart and on top of that, she seems to have so many thoughts and ideas processing at one moment, it's as though her synapses have gone off the deep end. Her environment affecting her mental chemical balance started pretty early on. Kids in her class were merciless toward her for being 'overweight'. She had no friends. Instead she kept her nose in the books, requesting additional homework from the teacher and even became Valedictorian of her school. Looking for acceptance anywhere she could find it, LSD and other drugs were that gateway...or so she thought. Mama lost a considerable amount of weight. When her boyfriend got news of the upcoming pregnancy, he bailed for fear his wife would find out. It was no secret that Mama's own mother disliked him. They often fought about Mama's boyfriend and other 'foolish' choices Mama was making...they fought a lot.
Cancer got the best Grandma when Mama was only a few months along in her pregnancy. After Grandma's death, Mama hit a wall... unable to reconcile dealing with abandonment...it was all too much for Mama's perfectionism and self critical mental and emotional state... Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective chemical imbalance) reared it's ugly unconventional head. Mama has not been the same since. Having a baby is no small feat on the body or the brain so for that alone, I am grateful to and will always love my Mama regardless of whether her mind is fully present to reciprocate that love.
Here's to you mama!
No comments:
Post a Comment