fever

I've got a solid case of cabin fever... It's my 6th month of pregnancy. Seems I'm somewhere between planning and waiting.

I can't tell you how hard it's proving to be, planning for something I've never done before, particularly something/someone this significant. This isn't just spring break or a fall semester in college... this is my baby girl I'm planning for... the most important thing in my life from here on out.

I just wish I knew what to do with myself. I've so much time on my hands and yet the only thing I seem to fall back on is my bed. Napping and eating are pretty much all I do anymore. It's as though my brain somehow feels that the more rest I'm able to squeeze in now, the less I'll be tired later on. Boy am I in for a rude awakening. literally.

When they said crazy dreams start to show up around the 6 month mark, they weren't kidding. Dreams as I understand them are the mind's way of sorting out the conscious and unconscious emotion, thought and experiences.

Me, I dream vividly regardless. Considering my life and the fact that I've just gotten out of nearly 2 years of the horrors of homelessness...it's not hard to understand why. I keep having re-occuring catastrophe-type dreams, of people I care about and family, dying in a fire or getting killed or about all my belongings being taken from me... and there's always the element of the specific persons with whom I am not speaking to at present...


Aside from nightmares, my waking situation has it's current challenges as well: my step-mom and 'the biological one', her husband whom I refuse to call 'dad' though we share some gene similarities, and whom she's welcomed back into their home despite his on-going perverse tendencies. I want nothing to do with him. The fact that she keeps calling me to hang out or continue a relationship with her... the very thought drains me to my core. I love her but I hate that I can't separate her from him.  I also feel she's so used to living in denial that even her's and my relationship has been affected by this approach she seems content to embrace... that in itself is all too painful and stressful to cope with and process on an on-going basis which is what it would take.  I can't have that around me and my little girl...I just can't.


Sam still keeps in touch. To be honest, I wondered how that would go. He really was sincere in his offer to provide me with a baby, no strings attached. It's crazy I know... no one can believe that he and I can be just friends, no romantic interest whatsoever. We are all too happy with our arrangement: he relinquishes all legal rights and I do not pursue government-enforced child support. This way she is soley my baby girl.  We've also agreed that he will be available as a friend and father to her in time as she needs, and he's also insisted that before I should ever end up in a 'dire situation', I'd better know I can ask, and I'd better ask for financial help from him at any time - whenever we're in need.

I'm glad we are in agreement that we don't need to create a relationship just cause of the baby. I think that even if I were really up for a relationship, it wouldn't be with him. It's the 'idea' of him I am more affected by. I definitely vasilate between feeling content and happy that it's just my baby girl and me... and then find myself saddened that I'm going this alone.  

To add to those feelings, I am in a state of unattractive. It's difficult to feel attractive in this stage of boob, butt, thigh and womb enlarging. Since the end of my 20's and the slowing of my metabolism, I've grown used to a weight plateau at 130lbs. Now I've become a whopping (for short 5' 3" little me) 160 plus... all in just the last 6 months. My face has filled out and to my horror, I've since acquired a lovely set of cottage cheese thighs as well. I don't fit any of my clothes right now and unfortunatley I'm too broke to buy maternity attire, what would actually fit me and possibly even be flattering for all my pregnancy curves... so though I know matter-of-factly that this body weight/shape is only temporary, I'm really struggling with it just the same. I also can't afford a good haircut just yet, nor am I able while pregnant to dye my hair, which has begun to closely exhibit threads you'd pull from a box of christmas tinsel.

Yet inspite of the downsides of this evolving and birthing.... I am completely and utterly over the moon for my baby girl and would NOT trade ANY of this for one second more without her... what can I say, I've got the fever...

Deliriously happy Momma-to-be, thy name is Fairlight.