I had an old friend from way back. I'll call him Sam. He was the first guy I'd had a crush on during my highschool years that actually seemed to reciprocate my feelings despite the 'nerd-shy introvert' status I held back then. Well, as much as he could anyway, under the circumstances.
'Sam' was a good guy, albeit he was still met with extreme skepticism by both my sisters considering themselves my 'keeper'...introverted, naive, closed off even, I was easy prey, often attracting testosterone-crazed males who sought to take advantage... that was the pattern anyway.
I recall a time in particular: I was 15, Sam had asked me if he could kiss me. Well, his question threw me... I'd never been kissed before. (outside of the biological one's incestuous behavior toward me)
Growing up under very strict religious boundaries that were contradicted daily at home, I felt acute impending shame should I choose to go against that which I'd been ingrained to embrace. Utterly convinced that even a kiss was of course, terribly wrong and sinful. Needless to say, I shut Sam down instantly, giving him an emphatic "No way, are you kidding? You know how I feel about that!".
Truth was, I really wanted him to kiss me, but the very prospect of guilt kept me from exploring my own feelings, whether I agreed with what others felt was the right choice to make or not. Took me 31 years to climb that mountain of guilt holding me back and begin exploring the other side of those repressed feelings I had labeled as shameful for so many years.
It seems silly now when I look back at the emotional turmoil I wrestled with over something as simple as a kiss.
Sam and I recently stumbled across one another on a free local dating website of all things.
Strange to bump into him now, 20 years later, after so much has changed in the process of my paradigm shift and the numerous ways those changes have shaken the very core of my belief system. (I'll be elaborating more on that as well...)
I didn't know what I thought of running into Sam again. I admit I was so set on NOT exploring the crush I had way back when, especially on the first 'date' if you will.
I came over to his place to see his 'project'...the renovations made on the previously 3 bedroom house. We talked, ate, swam in his pool and after a few Rum and Cokes he'd made, I did what I said I WOULD NOT!!!! I even stopped him and said I wasn't ready... and then, I don't know why, but a minute later I changed my mind, grabbed his hand, drug him to the edge of the bed and insisted he 'just do me'.
Strange too, because aside from an emotionless, unromantic itch on my part for a quickie, the only reason I even had mechanical sex with him was to get pregnant. He gave a compelling argument, why I shouldn't wait to have a baby of my own and offered to be the donor. (gee wiz, so accommodating.)
Sam managed to persuade my alcohol-faded ass, that if I was gonna go the sperm bank route anyway, wouldn't I much rather save all that money and at least know whose genes were participating in this decision. Genius of course!
...seriously, what the hell was I thinking?!!??!
TRUE, I do not want to be a single mom, but nor do I want to live my whole life never having had a child of my own because I'm 'waiting for the right situation' which may never come... From a clinical standpoint, I honestly feel it would be beyond miraculous if I were to actually get pregnant. I have level 4 Endometriosis. The chances of my getting pregnant, even standing on my head are slim to none.
I admit it, I have foolishly and brazenly beaten the 'single mom' status to this point.... not because I was smart by any stretch, but simply because my body has thus far chosen to deny me pregnancy. I feel I have been both fortunate and deeply unfortunate. I desperately want kids... so badly, it hurts and I recognize that my impatience and sadness being without a little girl or boy of my own flesh and blood is probably clouding my judgement.
Clearly it is unwise for me to recklessly dive into steps toward becoming pregnant as I am hardly in a suitable situation in which to birth a child. Single and grappling to get back on my feet after a recent 3 very dark years, 2 of them homeless in LA. (escaping the blindside of a family member's surfacing acute addiction.)
As you can see, still decompressing and recovering from that nightmare, as I slowly begin again to rebuild my life from the ground up, this is hardly commendations for nurturing and raising a child.
It's been two weeks now since meeting up with Sam. I'd be willing to bet money he failed to get me pregnant despite his supreme confidence in the abilities of his little swimmers. Quite sure I'll be proven right in another 2 weeks or so, you'll see...
As it stands... time that is, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I'm wide awake now, in my late 30's and facing my nakedness with a grain of salt... how vulnerable I truly am while I begin to see myself honestly for who I really am, what I've become and more importantly, who I can be if I really believe it and don't give up.
I seem to take turns - on and off the fence when it comes to my own level of self esteem and self appreciation...reminding myself, if I truly love me, I must love ALL of me. I must embrace my 'nakedness' of mind, heart, soul and emotion, no matter what.
The good and the bad, they don't define me after all... they merely serve a purpose, leading me to my healthier and more balanced self throughout my day-to-day steps toward wholeness and to also give back along this journey out of the depths of what I've endured and what I have learned since.
Then again, who am I to talk about being an example? I feel so dysfunctional anymore... but I wanna learn from past mistakes and from the mistakes of others so that my past and the mistakes to come (and they will come) won't all be in vain.
Hmmm.... nope. Not an ounce of attraction this time around between me and Sam... at least I certainly don't feel it. I am however, uncomfortably aware after a brief 5 minute sexual encounter between us, that it was and is far easier for me to just straight fuck and forego any kissing or cuddling. It's easier for me to say "no foreplay alright, just get on me already and let's do this."
There's a level of intimacy where I feel vulnerable and weak... I abhor that feeling! I push it/him away, afraid the guy will not respect my boundaries. If he doesn't really 'know me' on the emotional deeper level, then I feel I can somehow exert some sense of control, in that he cannot know the emotional buttons by which to push or manipulate me. I am at liberty to withdraw and disappear easily if I feel threatened by any possible chance of vulnerability.
You see, in my experience guys have often expressed by behavior that upon encountering vulnerability or the broken and scared elements kept deep down...they want to 'fix you', 'control you'... they feel you 'owe' it to them to express your gratitude. This then translates to submission and forced dysfunctional intimacy...that scares the hell out of me more than anything else... that my boundaries will not be respected and I will essentially be his 'fuck slave' by way of guilt. "I pleased you because I love you, so you need to reciprocate or else you ungrateful piece of trash!" "After all, you're not worth shit, no one would want you, but I love you and I believe in you even when no one else will, especially when they see how worthless you are, even then, I'll still put up with you and I'll still love you..."
Fuck that! I REFUSE to pack my bags for anyone's guilt trip!!!! And so to protect myself, I kick him to the curb (sometimes prematurely for fear of those tactics and the pain that ensues) and I run like hell the other way...
I hate that I am so fucked up as evident by all the triggers that occur with every man I date. They are either repulsed by my past or are far too interested in hearing the details of my pain and abuse.
How can I ever be in a normal relationship? Normal? what is normal anyway. ...correction, can I ever find and maintain a healthy relationship? One that would be nurturing for the child I will have one day?
In spite of the hovering cynicism, as I rebuild my life I'm finding fragments of ideals amidst the ruins and I do think deep down, there's still hope for me...
though the very thought of trudging ahead with my own personal recovery, it's bloody exhausting!
(sigh))
time for a nap.
'Sam' was a good guy, albeit he was still met with extreme skepticism by both my sisters considering themselves my 'keeper'...introverted, naive, closed off even, I was easy prey, often attracting testosterone-crazed males who sought to take advantage... that was the pattern anyway.
I recall a time in particular: I was 15, Sam had asked me if he could kiss me. Well, his question threw me... I'd never been kissed before. (outside of the biological one's incestuous behavior toward me)
Growing up under very strict religious boundaries that were contradicted daily at home, I felt acute impending shame should I choose to go against that which I'd been ingrained to embrace. Utterly convinced that even a kiss was of course, terribly wrong and sinful. Needless to say, I shut Sam down instantly, giving him an emphatic "No way, are you kidding? You know how I feel about that!".
Truth was, I really wanted him to kiss me, but the very prospect of guilt kept me from exploring my own feelings, whether I agreed with what others felt was the right choice to make or not. Took me 31 years to climb that mountain of guilt holding me back and begin exploring the other side of those repressed feelings I had labeled as shameful for so many years.
It seems silly now when I look back at the emotional turmoil I wrestled with over something as simple as a kiss.
Sam and I recently stumbled across one another on a free local dating website of all things.
Strange to bump into him now, 20 years later, after so much has changed in the process of my paradigm shift and the numerous ways those changes have shaken the very core of my belief system. (I'll be elaborating more on that as well...)
I didn't know what I thought of running into Sam again. I admit I was so set on NOT exploring the crush I had way back when, especially on the first 'date' if you will.
I came over to his place to see his 'project'...the renovations made on the previously 3 bedroom house. We talked, ate, swam in his pool and after a few Rum and Cokes he'd made, I did what I said I WOULD NOT!!!! I even stopped him and said I wasn't ready... and then, I don't know why, but a minute later I changed my mind, grabbed his hand, drug him to the edge of the bed and insisted he 'just do me'.
Strange too, because aside from an emotionless, unromantic itch on my part for a quickie, the only reason I even had mechanical sex with him was to get pregnant. He gave a compelling argument, why I shouldn't wait to have a baby of my own and offered to be the donor. (gee wiz, so accommodating.)
Sam managed to persuade my alcohol-faded ass, that if I was gonna go the sperm bank route anyway, wouldn't I much rather save all that money and at least know whose genes were participating in this decision. Genius of course!
...seriously, what the hell was I thinking?!!??!
TRUE, I do not want to be a single mom, but nor do I want to live my whole life never having had a child of my own because I'm 'waiting for the right situation' which may never come... From a clinical standpoint, I honestly feel it would be beyond miraculous if I were to actually get pregnant. I have level 4 Endometriosis. The chances of my getting pregnant, even standing on my head are slim to none.
I admit it, I have foolishly and brazenly beaten the 'single mom' status to this point.... not because I was smart by any stretch, but simply because my body has thus far chosen to deny me pregnancy. I feel I have been both fortunate and deeply unfortunate. I desperately want kids... so badly, it hurts and I recognize that my impatience and sadness being without a little girl or boy of my own flesh and blood is probably clouding my judgement.
Clearly it is unwise for me to recklessly dive into steps toward becoming pregnant as I am hardly in a suitable situation in which to birth a child. Single and grappling to get back on my feet after a recent 3 very dark years, 2 of them homeless in LA. (escaping the blindside of a family member's surfacing acute addiction.)
As you can see, still decompressing and recovering from that nightmare, as I slowly begin again to rebuild my life from the ground up, this is hardly commendations for nurturing and raising a child.
It's been two weeks now since meeting up with Sam. I'd be willing to bet money he failed to get me pregnant despite his supreme confidence in the abilities of his little swimmers. Quite sure I'll be proven right in another 2 weeks or so, you'll see...
As it stands... time that is, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I'm wide awake now, in my late 30's and facing my nakedness with a grain of salt... how vulnerable I truly am while I begin to see myself honestly for who I really am, what I've become and more importantly, who I can be if I really believe it and don't give up.
I seem to take turns - on and off the fence when it comes to my own level of self esteem and self appreciation...reminding myself, if I truly love me, I must love ALL of me. I must embrace my 'nakedness' of mind, heart, soul and emotion, no matter what.
The good and the bad, they don't define me after all... they merely serve a purpose, leading me to my healthier and more balanced self throughout my day-to-day steps toward wholeness and to also give back along this journey out of the depths of what I've endured and what I have learned since.
Then again, who am I to talk about being an example? I feel so dysfunctional anymore... but I wanna learn from past mistakes and from the mistakes of others so that my past and the mistakes to come (and they will come) won't all be in vain.
Hmmm.... nope. Not an ounce of attraction this time around between me and Sam... at least I certainly don't feel it. I am however, uncomfortably aware after a brief 5 minute sexual encounter between us, that it was and is far easier for me to just straight fuck and forego any kissing or cuddling. It's easier for me to say "no foreplay alright, just get on me already and let's do this."
There's a level of intimacy where I feel vulnerable and weak... I abhor that feeling! I push it/him away, afraid the guy will not respect my boundaries. If he doesn't really 'know me' on the emotional deeper level, then I feel I can somehow exert some sense of control, in that he cannot know the emotional buttons by which to push or manipulate me. I am at liberty to withdraw and disappear easily if I feel threatened by any possible chance of vulnerability.
You see, in my experience guys have often expressed by behavior that upon encountering vulnerability or the broken and scared elements kept deep down...they want to 'fix you', 'control you'... they feel you 'owe' it to them to express your gratitude. This then translates to submission and forced dysfunctional intimacy...that scares the hell out of me more than anything else... that my boundaries will not be respected and I will essentially be his 'fuck slave' by way of guilt. "I pleased you because I love you, so you need to reciprocate or else you ungrateful piece of trash!" "After all, you're not worth shit, no one would want you, but I love you and I believe in you even when no one else will, especially when they see how worthless you are, even then, I'll still put up with you and I'll still love you..."
Fuck that! I REFUSE to pack my bags for anyone's guilt trip!!!! And so to protect myself, I kick him to the curb (sometimes prematurely for fear of those tactics and the pain that ensues) and I run like hell the other way...
I hate that I am so fucked up as evident by all the triggers that occur with every man I date. They are either repulsed by my past or are far too interested in hearing the details of my pain and abuse.
How can I ever be in a normal relationship? Normal? what is normal anyway. ...correction, can I ever find and maintain a healthy relationship? One that would be nurturing for the child I will have one day?
In spite of the hovering cynicism, as I rebuild my life I'm finding fragments of ideals amidst the ruins and I do think deep down, there's still hope for me...
though the very thought of trudging ahead with my own personal recovery, it's bloody exhausting!
(sigh))
time for a nap.
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